My Agent Forgot To Call

Everyday Granny comes home with the same tale of woe: why must she suffer and endure work in order to be the provider for the family? Well, it depends on who you ask. Granny insists that she alone carries the burden, Red at every turn states that He alone is the man of the house providing for all those under its roof, and Tio doesn't really say much, but is the one who writes out the checks every month.

With all these supposed financial woes and in the terrible economy, everyone has had to tighten their belts and trade foie gras for Kraft singles. But not my family. Well, at least not Red.

Granny returned to Fort Myers this weekend to visit Red while the rest of us stayed behind with legit excuses. Tonight, while making plans for dinner he calls me to get directions to The Capital Grille. You know, the kind of restaurant that you have to reserve a table in advance and a glass of water costs 5.50. So I oblige wondering why in the hell he would even attempt to just show up.

In my family, there is no such thing as direct communication. It is very common to have 4 people on the phone at the same time, like tonight. While I was cradling the phone on my shoulder and looking up directions to The Capital Grille, Red was calling the restaurant, and Granny was talking to Tio about how they had spent the day in Porche and Audi dealerships trying to swindle a deal. If we have no money to buy me a pair of new jeans (the one's I have ripped) with my own check, how the hell are they to pay for a Porche?? HE IS NOT IN THE BIG LEAGUES! But the kicker comes listening to Red's conversation with the restaurant:

"Hello? Yes, hi, I'm comming in from Fort Myers and my agent forgot to call, but I play baseball for ___ and my mom is here to visit. Is there any way you could talk to your manager and get us a table?... Great, and by the way I don't want one of those tiny tables, I need a big one. ...Yes, for two. Great thanks."

Oh vomit. How nice for them. Tio, Papi and myself went across the street to Billy Bob's BBQ where the "white" paint was chiping off the walls and the guy behind us in the bright green tank top looks like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon.

At the end of Red's meal he called to inform Tio that yes, he met the restaurant manager. And if you were wondering... Yes, he did swindle a discount.