My Agent Forgot To Call

Everyday Granny comes home with the same tale of woe: why must she suffer and endure work in order to be the provider for the family? Well, it depends on who you ask. Granny insists that she alone carries the burden, Red at every turn states that He alone is the man of the house providing for all those under its roof, and Tio doesn't really say much, but is the one who writes out the checks every month.

With all these supposed financial woes and in the terrible economy, everyone has had to tighten their belts and trade foie gras for Kraft singles. But not my family. Well, at least not Red.

Granny returned to Fort Myers this weekend to visit Red while the rest of us stayed behind with legit excuses. Tonight, while making plans for dinner he calls me to get directions to The Capital Grille. You know, the kind of restaurant that you have to reserve a table in advance and a glass of water costs 5.50. So I oblige wondering why in the hell he would even attempt to just show up.

In my family, there is no such thing as direct communication. It is very common to have 4 people on the phone at the same time, like tonight. While I was cradling the phone on my shoulder and looking up directions to The Capital Grille, Red was calling the restaurant, and Granny was talking to Tio about how they had spent the day in Porche and Audi dealerships trying to swindle a deal. If we have no money to buy me a pair of new jeans (the one's I have ripped) with my own check, how the hell are they to pay for a Porche?? HE IS NOT IN THE BIG LEAGUES! But the kicker comes listening to Red's conversation with the restaurant:

"Hello? Yes, hi, I'm comming in from Fort Myers and my agent forgot to call, but I play baseball for ___ and my mom is here to visit. Is there any way you could talk to your manager and get us a table?... Great, and by the way I don't want one of those tiny tables, I need a big one. ...Yes, for two. Great thanks."

Oh vomit. How nice for them. Tio, Papi and myself went across the street to Billy Bob's BBQ where the "white" paint was chiping off the walls and the guy behind us in the bright green tank top looks like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon.

At the end of Red's meal he called to inform Tio that yes, he met the restaurant manager. And if you were wondering... Yes, he did swindle a discount.

My Poor Mother....

A shout out to mom:

My mom (saint that she is) is the Mecca of all things Granny. The Alpha and the Omega. She has dealt with more harrassment than anyone else in this family and continues to do so (now mainly because I live here). Chin up oh Being of Patience, everyday we get closer to the finish line.

Love,
The Most Grateful Daughter in the Universe

PS- a special thanks to Lexapro for my sunshiny outlook.

Humpty Dumpty...

It started out just like any other day: a 4 year old running around refusing to go to school, a pissed off and impatient uncle chasing the child around the house, an old Cuban lady ranting about something, anything. I desperately huddled under the covers grasping at an extra hour of sleep on my day off- little did I know that the day would come to such a tragic end.

Fitfully I kicked off the covers and gave up on my sleeping endeavor to commence my daily chores and do some homework. Everything ran smoothly Friday and I found myself in the late afternoon with a smush of time to take a nap (YAY!) so I laid down on the couch with a book and dozed off. I was woken quite suddenly by my grandfather telling me that my grandmother had been in an accident. Of course I jumped up asking for details. She was in the hospital, and no other information was available except that she had been rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. I searched for the phonebook to look up the number to the hospital when my grandfather stopped me- don't bother calling the hospital, she's on her cell phone. I did a double take. Excuse me...um, what?

Now, most normal people who are rushed off to the hospital tend to sustain serious accidents like, oh I don't know- heartattacks, strokes, labor, seizures, severing of a limb. When I called her on her cell phone (ahahaha) she was vague about her circumstances:

"Oh, my gooness, ju know, I cannot be talk right now because I am ing de hospital." I'm not a qualified expert, but I am pretty sure that if her condition was so distressing, she probably would not pick up the phone you know- according to simple logic.

So here's what went down: a big cuban lady (hahaha-ok bad joke). She tripped over a telephone wire. Yup. That's right Humpty Dumpty tripped on a telephone wire whilest she was making copies at work and landed (coincidentally) on her previously injured (and repaired) shoulder and knee. So great was her pain that she cried out for an ambulance. Several hours, 4 pain killers ("Oh, ju know I neber taken dos, I neber eben taking an aspirin!"), 2 ice bags and a get out of jail (work) free card and she was back at the house, harrassing. Apparently falling down doesn't stop someone from being a pain in the -.

Now she has been tormenting our household and will continue to do so until the 5th. And somehow in her distraught condition she was able to drive 6 hours roundtrip to visit Red this past weekend, and is going to do it again next weekend. Poor Humpty Dumpty....